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9.30 am bowel of plus anti oxident
2pm double choc meal replacement shake. a hand full of nuts
5pm small bottle of immune boost juice shot, 4 saos with cheese. ( i wanted vegimite but we have none)
im proud of myself for this so far ........
- Mood:
cheerful
Husband and Wife to Be .... Biggest looser
So Leif and I have decided to go on a weight loss challange for the wedding. The wedding will be in approx 12 months time. This is the second marriage for both of us. As some of you know I was married 9 months after meeting my first hubby. No it wasnt a shot gun wedding lol but more that my father was dying and He wanted to see his third child married off before he died. In Aug Leif and I will be celebrating our 3rd year together. my marriage to my first hubby only lasted 14 months. we have been through hell and back as most break ups do but are now back to a point where we can talk civily to each other.
Anyway back on topic. The weight loss chalange.... this is what it is. Leif wants to loose 40kg in 12 months. if the contestants can do it on biggest looser in 3 then he should be able to do it in 12. Me Im not concentrating on weight I want to go from a size 26 to a size 18. the wedding dress I have was my mothers from 40 years ago. Its a size 18.
Unlike the contestants in the biggest looser Neither leif or I are repulsed by our naked bodys when we look in a mirror. We dont have that image problem. Is this a bad thing??? yes and no. While we dont look at ourselves and cry or let it stop our lives we do see someone who is unhealthy and need to change their life to be able to play with their grandkids one day.
We were to start our new lifestyle May first but I thought why wait an extra 24 hrs and I have started today. For me it will be a big difference. Food or rather junk food has always been a big part of my life. definetly a comfort food thing. My father was a work a holic, security guard and house cleaner and Disc jocky. once a fortnight he would set up his disco gear in the back yard or the loungeroom and we would party with chips and chocolate and sodas. it was great. but now im paying the price. time to take action.
I have not been much of a breckfast person well unless it involved hungy jacks egg and bacon wraps or leifs great home made egg and bacon muffins (god im going to miss the leifi muffins)
This morning I was awake at 8.20 am determined to start my new life. I had a small tub of yogurt at 8.30 and a small handfull of nuts. At 9,20 I had a bowel of plus antioxident cereal. in the past 2 hours I have also had 2 glasses of coke zero. I cant believe how alert and full im feeling. just wish it would help with the cold weather lol. That was the other thing we had decided more for leifs health than mine. we are both coke adicts of the cola kind that is lol. I drink zero or my fav ourite pepsi max but Leif dosent like nutra sweet so he drinks coke or pepsi. generally we can drink 2 or 3 litres of the stuff each per day. We have said that there will be no more coke in the house. we can have a 600 ml bottle or 2 when we are at work or out of the house but no coke here. This will probably be one of the hardest parts for both of us.
I knew I wasnt going to be able to do this on diet alone. I have gone and bought one of the biggest looser meal replacement kits. When I looked at the flavor of the shakes I wanted to have them all then and there lol it was good to know I will probably enjoy this more than I thought I would.
So wish us luck on our journey to the chappell of love biggest looser challange........
and oh the weight loss cant do anything but help with the explosive ummmm fun on the wedding night hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I have a question for a deer old friend of mine. I know u have ur own weight demons but would u like to join us????? also I love and miss your singing.... the invite for u to come to our wedding is still there for u and ur gourgeous wife.... will u both join us at our wedding please and could u please sing a song or two for me I miss ur singing :) U should know who u r :) i guess u should know the wedding will b around may next year in ballina.
- Mood:determined
add to that tring to give a 19 yr old know it all some life lessons in responsibility.... yeah i know responsibility and 19 yr old male those 3 words dont go together at all.
its allso gotten to me that day after day I have to happily deal with a manic depressive t partner and the dealings of a fucked up maniac x wife who just wont let go.
I had a tooth pulled out a few weeks ago but i have another 2 that needs attention.
Leif lost his job again 2 weeks ago and dont get centrelink until the end of the month. ontop of all this i still havnt been able to afford help to deal with my past sexual abuse. Im trying my best to deal with and love and accept harry and his aspergers.
im the big bad bitch today because i decided if other people didnt need to take their meds then i wasnt going to take mine either.
ive eaten far more than i should of today, slept alot cried a fuck load and now im drinking myself into oblivion.
tomorrow im going to quit my job but i dont think leif believes me. im sure he thinks ill wake up tomorrow and it will be another day and everything will be ok again.
guess what nothing is ok and im so fucked up and the reality is i really dont care any more.
I just want someone to look after me and my problems for once and there is no one to do that because everyone is so consumed and eaten up by their own issues
I dont know where to start to get the serious help I need. I just want to die!!!!!!
tonight my 5 year old step son is here with harry leif and I. We were getting in the car to go grocery shopping and he said "mum said you only pretend to love us" I just looked at Leif. Then Jared said " but I know she made a mistake" I went and picked him up and said look at the sky see that star up there. well u go to that star and do some loop de loops and then reach that star there and do some more loop de loops and that star over there and some more loopde loops infinity times and thats how much i love you. We got in the car and then started driving and he said theres the moon but its missing some of it. i then told him to add a thousand loops around the moon infinity times. his reply was how much is a thousand. leif replyed can you count to one hundred which he then prceeded to do, when he finished i said now do that another 9 times.
Leif was going to sms nancy he was very pissed off. i told him not to bother. im glad however i heard what i did while i was on my anti depressant meds otherwise i would probably be pissed off too. what jared has shown me is that I dont hve to do anything and the kids can see the truth. nancy may say what shit she likes about me. But the kids know i dont say bad shit about her in front of them. She can try all she likes to turn them against me but it wont work :D
I love my little munchkin and all of my step kids and if anyone says otherwise they really dont know me.
well it was a happy easter for us... on the 13th of june leif was fired from his job of 5 years. there were issues on both sides but what it came down to was a difference of opinion between himself and the GM. The big thing that pisses me off though is that I went to work a week brefore to have my night supervisotr ask if we were leaving town and not tell her. I said no why she then told us leifs job was advertised on seek.com. Leif had not been told. the following day Leif called his state manager and asked what was going on and he didnt know about it either.
It has taken them 3 weeks to give us a leaving certificate for centrelink. however they put reason for dismissal poor performance on it which means 9 weeks before payment. so yeah for us 9 weeks living on 400 bux a week after tax is what I bring in.
im on 5 meds for health which I havnt been able to afford since leif was sacked. that barely covers the rent and taxis.
still trying to fight the fucking red tape. leif has signed a stat deck and apealed the waiting period he has the qld rep and former GM as a refrence so we have to wait and see what happens.
its tough times at the moment but i know we will get through this like all other times.
one of the positives is that leif can now get a free divorce jhahahahahahahahahahahahaha
shows that we died; pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax. And read this slowly.
- That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean
they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it
doesn't mean they do.
I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand
that friends change.
I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to
hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the
longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give
you heartache for life.
I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I
want to be.
I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving
words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how
we feel.
I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls
you.
I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be
angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of
experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less
to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world
doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe - That our background and circumstances may have
influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see
something totally different.
I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by
people who don't even know you.
I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when
a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent
human being.
I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken
from you too soon.
I believe - The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
for some reason last nov we got throttled back to 56kb ps half way through the month. acording to optus we had used our 13 gig. we tried looking at where we had downloaded so much in 2 weeks but we couldnt figure it out. we dealt with the sloooooooooooowwwwwwww speed until the 1st of december.
however it happened again in the middle of december.We had not done anything different and had not downloaded anything more than usual. After numerous calls to optus and questions on if we were now being charged for uploads they reassured us that we were not. once again we waited until the 1st of Jan. This time though we were throttled back after a week and a half. We had enough. We started an unlimited dialup account with optus (we were throttled back to dial up speed anyway and this way we got to keep our email addys. its only 5 bux a month) and we told them to stick their adsl. Thankfully Leif has been out of contract for a while now so we didnt incur cancelation fees.
We have our phone with soul and we had a look at their bundle plans. for 55 a month we will have adsl2 with speeds of up to 20mb ps although probably realistly where we live only up to 8mb ps with a peak d/l of 15 gig and offpeak of 35gig.
We have our internet details now we are just waiting for the modem to arrive. we did try and use the one from optus but it wasnt supported by soul and we couldnt figure out how to get to the server site to input the details. we then found my old telstra one but ive lost the driver disc. so we are still stuck on dial up for a few more days.
just an update re my post last month. let it be known that i have very servere pms and mood swings every 28 days. and every 28 days Leif and I almost break up. im not saying that the things we fight about are not justified however to me they are a whloe lot bigger every 28 days.
shortly I will go see a dr and ask for further tests and see if there is anything i can do to controll it. I dont bleed every month but yet it seems i do have every other symptom of a cycle.
Personal Growth, Personal Independence : The Limit Is Me
One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big advice on the door on which it was written:
"Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared in the gym".
In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was that man who hindered the growth of his colleagues and the company itself.
The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room.
The more people reached the coffin, the more the excitement heated up. Everyone thought: "Who is this guy who was hindering my progress? Well, at least he died!".
One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless. They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.
There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself.
There was also a sign next to the mirror that said:
"There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: it is YOU.
You are the only person who can revolutionize your life. You are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success. You are the only person who can help yourself.
Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parents change, when your partner changes, when your company changes. Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs, when you realize that you are the only one responsible for your life.
"The most important relationship you can have, is the one you have with yourself"
Examine yourself, watch yourself. Don't be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses: be a winner, build yourself and your reality.
The world is like a mirror: it gives back to anyone the reflection of the thoughts in which one has strongly believed.
The world and your reality are like mirrors laying in a coffin, which show to any individual the death of his divine capability to imagine and create his happiness and his success.
It's the way you face Life that makes the difference!
then i got a job and foxie was left alone for 6 hrs at a time during the day and started getting up to mischief. biting things, wrecking things. digging holes in the garden.
2 months ago we decided to get her a mate. he was a teeny tiny mini foxy x chuhua (or however its spelt) he was smaller than a coke can when we got him. (today he is proabably the size of 2 coke cans.
He was my baby. I spoilt him from the day we brought him home. I even taught him how to get on our bed on my side so we could sleep together.
We were told a few weeks b4 xmas that the landlord didnt want us to have dogs here. I know we did the arong thing by getting them without permission in the first place but I was told how good pets as companions can be for grief and they did help both Leif and I with that. They seemed to know when we were upset and come for a cuddle.
We told the landlord that we were going to move (that was our intention) unfortunatly though we got a bill a week b4 xmas and we had to use the money we had for moving for this bill. We had no choice but to retract our notice and put a sign up to give away the dogs. Rattus was only 4 months old.
Today a couple with a 7 year old girl came to take them away. I cant understand why I cant personally keep a pet. i mean I dont mistreat them. If anything I spoil them.
When I was a kid I had a pet mouse and my mums friends daughter had one too but he drowned so my mum made me give her mine.
the family house has always had pets in it. we had mice, a chook, a duck, several dogs, a rabbit, birds, guini pigs, cats ect but the only pet I had until I was 18 was that one mouse. When I was 18 we lived next to a park. there was a streay cat and she wouldnt go near anyone. I tamed her by feeding her tuna. After 4 os so weeks of doing this I went around the back and saw my dad with her in his lap. he then said i could have her and i named her shaddow.
after having shaddow for about 6 months and her having a litter of kittens she was already pregnant with I got her desexed and imunised. A week later my parents moved to ballina. I had to stay behind an extra week because I was being my nieces god daughter.
When my parents got to ballina they gave me the bad news that shaddow had jumped out the window in a reserve in taree when they stopped for lunch.
couple of months later I didnt like it in ballina so i moved back to sydney and stayed with my sister for a while. her cat had just had kittens and she gave me one. I couldnt bond with it though I just couldnt replace shaddow.
When dad died mum bought shaun a dog froim the pound. we had temporarily got back together then and i loved elli. Unfortunatly when we broke up shaun got her. At the same time a jack russel was advertised for free in the paper so we thought we would get elli a mate. pepsi was her name. when i left mum wanted to keep her.
when i got foxie and then rattus I thought im 31 now and NO ONE was going to make me give them up. NO ONE not for ANYTHING.
I broke that promise. I could of found a place for me and the dogs. but instead I chose to get rid of them and stay with leif. once again ive gotten rid of something that means alot to me for a man.
have I done the right thing? regardless of what the answer is its done now and I cant get my babys back.
i wanted to give an explanation of yesterdays post. Leif and I have been talking about getting married and the date and what we would wear and who would be in the wedding party for a while now. And yes Leif still needs to get a divorce as well. However the engagement wasnt official to some family members as Leif hadnt officially asked those 4 questions nor put a ring on my finger.
This is also my third (and final) engagement. the first we did get as far as choosing and placing an engagement ring on layby for me but it was then canceled for him to renew his train club subscription. We then broke up 6 months later. (had nothing to do with the ring though)
I never had an engagement ring for my second there wasnt any time we were married 9 months after meeting (no I wasnt pregnant lol)
yesterday was a nice christmas and a rather different one to last years. we spent the morning with the childerens mother at their place and had breckfast and opened gifts. We were back home at 11 am gave the dogs and mice their pressis then went to the accident scene where Leif has placed a cross. We came back home at 1pm spent some time together playing comp games then i made lunch for the 2 of us (pan bread and lasagna) we then played on our comps for a few more hours until the kids came here at 4.30pm. we now have them for the next 2 weeks.
ill write a year that was in a few days time.
until then i am excited to be officially engaged to the man of my dreams.
bride me
groom leif
Matron of honor Donna
best man Derryn
bridesmaid Kaitlyn
groomsman Harrison
bridesmaid Danae
ring barer Jared
PLACE Ballina
WHEN SATURDAY 10th APRIL 2010
brides wearing mothers 40 year old wedding dress
grooms wearing matrix suit
- Mood: content
i have the ring to prove it lol. whats more is i didnt have to pay for it pmsl.
in all seriousness though after the year leif and i have been through and he still wants to marry me and be with me forever then i know we will be together come what may.
we are both strong and believe in the words in sicness and in health for richer for poorer in good times and the bad times.
love is all that matters to both of us.
i have in Leif the life partner I have always wanted.
all windows and doors here are locked. Im not allowed my mobile or my laptop. there are 6 rooms but im the only one on this side.
the bathroom has a metal toilet with no seat. I wonder if this is what prison is like?
there are 2 dining tables and 8 chairs here. I found out they were screwed to the floor when i tried to pull one out to sit down.
I take the seat thats closest to the only door that is unlocked and im free to go out of it. it leads to the smallest court yard ive ever seen.
The fence looks 10 ft high and electric. There is no way to get out if i tried.
How did I get here? Do I want to die? Do I have anything to live for?
If I were to go home would I do this again?
HOME. Where is home? I havnt felt I had a home in such a long time. Ive lived in many many houses but I havnt been able to feel settled since I first moved when I was 10.
I am here voluntarily. or am I really? I said I would come here. except I have been told that if I try to leave they will get the police to section me. so really im sectioned anyway but right now its not recorded.
One minute I think I can go home and back to workbut then i ask if anything will be different. or will life go on as if nothing has happened.
What scares me the most is i keep asking myself if I am only still in my relationship because i have no one else left in my life.
I know I am here for my own safety. It was me who told the dr I wish i had been successful when he asked me how i was feeling.
I am wondering how am I going to get to sleep with no tv or music on? its a good question since i wouldnt have those things if I were dead. Then again if I were dead I wouldnt be worrying about falling asleep.
reminds me of what the ambulance driver said to me on our way to hospital. he told me taking an OD was a bad way to try and kill myself. He said that sometimes what happens is you dont actually completely die you just end up brain dead. my reply to that was. If I want to die and i ended up brain dead and in a coma it wouldnt bother me would it? I would no longer feel the pain of no family, friends or of abuse ive endured in the past.
THE ABOVE WAS WHAT I WAS FEELING TUESDAY AFTERNOON. ON MONDAY 1ST OF OCTOBER 2007 i DECIDED i NO LONGER WANTED TO LIVE. IT WAS SPUR OF THE MOMENT BUT I ALSO KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING. LEIF AND I HAD BEEN FIGHTING FOR A FEW DAYS, HE CALLED ME AFTER DROPPING HIS 4 YR OLD BACK AT HIS MUMS AND TOLD ME HE WAS GOING FOR A DRIVE. FOR 2 HRS HE IGNORED ALL CALLS.
i TOLD HARRY WE WERE GOING FOR A WALK i TOOK HIM BACK TO HIS MUMS. i CAME HOME SAT ON THE LOUNGE AND LOOKED AT MY MEDICINE BOX. i SAW 3 STRIPS OF MY DIBETIES MEDICATION 60 TABS IN TOTAL AND THOUGHT FUCK IT ALL. ONE BY ONE I TOOK EACH TABLET OUT. I HELD 60 TABLETS IN MY HAND FOR A MINUTE LOOKING AT THEM THEN IN 3 LOTS OF GILPS i SWALLOWED THE LOT. I LAY ON THE LOUNGE LET THE SILENT TEARS FALL, CLOSED MY EYES AND WAITED. AFTER 5 MINUTES i THEN CALLED MY MOTHER. IT WAS JUST TO SAY BYE. SHE TRIED TO SAY SOMETHING BUT I DIDNT WANT TO HEAR IT. I HUNG UP AND CALLED LEIF. HE WAS STILL IGNORING CALLS SO I JUST LEFT A MESSAGE ON HIS VOICE MAIL TELLING HIM I LOVED HIM AND TO SAY SORRY TO THE KIDS FOR ME.
i HUNG UP PUT THE EMPY PACKETS ON MY STOMACH THEN ONCE AGAIN CLOSED MY EYES AND WAITED TO FALL ASLEEP. LEIF CAME HOME ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER AND TRIED TO GET ME INTO THE CAR BUT I WOULDNT MOVE. THEN THE COPS WERE OUTSIDE WHO IN TURN CALLED THE AMBO.
I WAS TOLD IF I DIDNT GO THEY WOULD SECTION ME ANYWAY SO I WENT. I WAS IN ICU FOR 24 HRS ON A SUGAR DRIP. THEN I WAS TAKEN TO THE MENTAL HEALTH UNIT. I WAS IN THE HIGH DEPENDANCY UNIT FOR AROUND 5 HRS BEFORE THEY TOOK ME TO THE GENERAL MENTAL HEALTH SECTION.
This is a far better atmosphere. its not as scarey as i imagined it to be. my fellow in mates as i call them come from all walks of life. singles, married, defactos ect. a woman I was talking to earlier owned a take a way business but had her reasons for being here. most of us are here for self harm. we get a nurse each here. always someone to talk to if needed. although we have to ask for the simplest things, such as a hair brush or chap stick. we cant keep them with us in case we somehow try to hurt ourselves with them.
Leif came and saw me. we were told we could use the quiet room. i ended up getting upset and walked outside leif followed me. we were being watched by several staff members but they didnt intervene. there was lots of crying and tears from both of us. We both love each other very much and have agreed to go to relationship counciling. Something no one in my life has wanted to do before.
Leif left an hr later, I asked for more paper and a pencil and started writing again..................................
Why I would like to leave.......Im ready to go home for the following reasons.......
What I did on monday was a dumb thing to do but im far from stupid. I love my partner Leif very much, I know we have some big issues we need to to deal with and he has agreed to come to relationship counciling. I know that the relationship I have with my mother will never change. She will always be who she is and ill never have the mother daughter relationship I want with her. One of the things that has come from this is I now have my closure with her. I am ready to move on from that part of my life. Calling the police who in turn called the ambulance was the last thing she will ever do for me which I will be eternally gratefull for.
I know I am not alone. Whatever the outcome for Leif and I (hopefully happily ever after) I will always have me. I just need to let me back into my life. Leifs childeren and I have formed a bond that no one can break and I do miss them. Even if I have to live without Leif and his children a partners x wife is not worth killing myself for.
I HAVE THE FOLLOWING REASONS TO LIVE
1) MYSELF - for me. for a while I lost the meaning of you never know whats going to happen in the nest 5 seconds, 5 minutes, 5 hrs, 5 days, 5 months or 5 years.
2) I am a survivor of a neglectful and dysfuncional family upbringing
3) I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse
4) I am a survivor of several abusivie relationships
5) I dont have a drug or alcohol problem
6) Im not homeless
7) I have a job. its not one i love but not one i hate either
8) Im worried about loosing said job
9) my 4 fantastic stepkids
10) my partner
11) if I can survive years of neglect,sexual,physical,emotional,mental,p
12) I now know there is help available to me and how to use it.
IN 5 YEARS TIME I SEE MYSELF.............
in a better job with a few friends grastefull for the life i have and that i was unsuccessful on monday. my 14 year old stepson is now 19 and a young man. Leif and I are standing side by side proud as any other parent watching him graduate school.
nancy is still in our lives but not as much as she has found herself a new man and moved on with her life.
IN 10 YEARS TIME I SEE MYSELF..............
with Leif sharing our 11th aniversary together. we will be talking about our frist granchild and weather i will be called grandma or nanna I will be 41 and young enough to enjoy it.
IN 30) YEARS TIME I SEE MYSELF...............
with Leif looking over the cot at our first great grandchild. I will be marveling this as I never expected to be a mum let alone a grandmother or great grandmother.
IN 5 YEARS TIME I SEE MYSELF.............
If Leif and I end our relationship for whatever reason I will still be enjoying my life. I will be happy for me and see beauty in a sunset or sunrise. I will still have contact with my stepkids and follow through with the promise of never leaving their lives. a promise I almost broke.
I have been through so much in my life good and alot bad but there is alot more I have yet to experiance. that I want to experiance.
There is a long journy ahead of me and I have accepted I have a mental illness. im not ashamed that I am here or that I have an illness. its just something to add to everything else.
at times i get sick of being so different to every one else. dibeties, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, herpes, depression the list goes on. but I am still alive. My journy ahead of me is not going to be an easy one. I have damaged my relationship and just hope it can make us stronger and not seperate us. Leif has a right to be angry for what I did but I also know he loves me very much. deeper and far more than any man ever has.
I am not religious however I am spiritual. I belive from the minute we are born we have a life expectancy. when our time is up its up. you also have life lessons you need to learn in your time. monday was not my time to go. there are more lessons for me to learn. at times i get sick of the lessons and want to run from them its then that i know to call for help. I know that there is someone who will listen to me in the health unit.
I am no different to anyone else here i dont feel I am better than any one else. being here has helped me to see however that I am more lucky than some of the others here. I dont have to battle any extra addictions and I have a job with regular income. I also have a loving partner to go home to who is wanting to get through this together. im sure there are some people out there who wish they only had my issues.
What I did on monday I was not looking for attention. I knew what I was doing, I left no note, I no longer wanted to live with the pain of my life. This tuesday morning I was angry i did not succeed but then again im always angry if my plans dont work. tonight I am thankfull for the police intervention the paramedics and the staff at dubbo base hospital who made sure I did not die.
MY MOTHER
over the past 3 years I strted to relaise I was a puppet on a string for my blood family. they asked me to do something i did it. they wanted money i gave it. it was when I moved to Dubbo that I was able to start cutting those strings. one by one. every time I cut one it hurt like hell. Monday morning was the first time I spoke to my mother since feb this year when i told her to fuck off out of my life. When lefi came home from the hosp monday night there was 2 messages asking him to call her to tell her how i was. when he called her he had a 3 min conversation with her. she said that i had disowned her but that i was her daughter and she still loved me. however no tears or anything. leif said he didnt want to go into it and said i was going to be ok and hung up.
most of the people in my life have thought me a drama queen. however all i have been doing is crying out for help and no one came. most of the people I associated with unfortunatly like to pretend everything is fine and rosey. close our eyes and our ears and see or hear nothing. ignore it and it would go away. so long as i have a smile on my face i must be ok right?
monday night i cut the last string that was attached to my mother. im sure she thinks Leif has pursuaded me to do this but he has nothing to do with it. he dosent really know my mother. hes met her twice. I have done what ive done because my mother simply does not care about me. if she did and if she really meant what she said to leif wouldnt a concerned mother after hearing her daughter tried to kill herself say have you got room for me im comming down. or if she still loved me why hasnt she tried contacting me since feb? ive had no letters no phone calls nothing in that whole time.
The door with my mother is now slammed shut.
iM LEAVING LIVE JOURNAL. THIS WAS MY LAST POST. I HAVE A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME. THE PAST IS THE PAST. THE ERA OF THE INTERNET HAS PASSED WELL AND TRULEY FOR ME. I DONT EVEN PLAY NEOPETS ANYMORE. I HAVNT FOR A MONTH OR SO. IT WAS AN INTERESTING EXPERIANCE AND I HAVE MY MEMORIES.
im now moving on and living a normal life and joining some groups and finding the old me again. the person i was before i even knew what the internet was. Ive joined a gym and im going to start enjoying the real life again.
ive now been at coles for 3 months yay................. now off dole and offically living we they got divorced.ith Leif and Harry who is almost 14.
Harry has come a long way since the begining of the year when he kept telling me he didnt want another step mum. (his biological father remarried and his step mum just forgot about the kids once they got divorced. now he keeps saying he wants me to be his step mum.
i told leifs x to f off and so far i havnt backed down. i think leif and I will forever argue about her.
I have made arangments to finally see a councilor.
looking into getting hearing aids.
joining a gym tomorrow.
life is excelent and for the most part im happy.
helped leif at work today he spoilt me with breky and lunch.
THATS RIGHT. today im going to have a winge about x wives.
being one myself i think i have a right.
i have always known what leifs x has thought of me. well its not me personally. she dosent like any female leif has gotten close to.
Nancy hates me a little more than the others in the past though. see she has always managed to piss off the others so much that the longest relationship leif had with someone other than nancy was 6 months.
now Leif and I have been together for 12 months and no matter how hard she has tried im still here.
she is mostly nice as pie to my face although there have been the times when we have been together that she has her snide comments about my weight and that she is better than me.
more and more though I know she talks bad about me behind my back. today she made a childish joke about me while some friends were at her place. ive had enough of her 2 faceness.
today i have decided that im no longer going to be nice to her. If i can tell my own mother to fuck off out of my life i can certainly do this to my boyfriends x wife.
yes i know by doing this i will be making life harder for us but if it means i no longer have to deal with her than its all a plus.
As much as i hate shaun i definetly would not act like this to a new wife or g/f. firstly its childish, secondly its disrespectful to shaun, thirdly why hurt an innocent person.
I just wish she would grow up and let go of the relationship that isnt there.
im definetly a sims 2 addict. so much so tattoday leif and I had to go and buy a second copy of sims 2 seasons disc so we can both play at the same time. neither of us wanted to give the disc to the other once we started playing lol. we did try burning the disc but it didnt work which is why in the end we went and spent 50 bux on a second copy.
im soooooo glad im working again and able to once again do these things.
leif and i will be going to Sydney on 27th for him to be trained in some new software for work.
this is my first post using my new laptop. its a very sleek machine. I still wake up every morning asking myself if his is all a dream. I know ive been through all the crap ive been through in the last 10 years relatonship wise to have and aprciate what I have today. I told Leif the oter night that i feel like someone whos been playing the lotto for 10 years and not giving up hope of one day winning division one. the person who has had some divison 6 prises and perhaps even a divison 2 prize. It was close but not THE ultimate prize. and then finally one day after asking if they should give up or continue they decide just one more chance and it pays off. They finally win.
I had my first relationship when I was 21. I have just turned 31. in 10 years I have had 7 relationships and dated several others. While this is not something im boasting about nor proud off, my point is after the third or 4th I could easily of had the attitude that all men are bastards and given up on love altogether. I refused to have that attitude. I accepted in every relationship failure my part in it and that i had/have some major baggage from my upbringing and past relationships.
I still look back at some of the abusive relationships ive been in and see the scars that will be with me for the rest of my life, however I now also look at the good things that have come fom those relationships as well.
at times im so happy that i want to call my mother and say sorry and want her to embrace my happiness with me and I am so tempted to pick up the phone. Then I remember a huge part of why i am so happy is because i dont have my family in my life bringing me down any more.
the years from Nov 2002 until now have been some of the best and worst of my life but more importantly personally growing time of my life. I made some very important friends in that time. People who I no longer chat with or see but I will never ever forget them or what they meant to me.
Some i still read their blogs to see what they are up to these days and others I just remember with a smile.
One of these so called friends I havnt seen in a long time but I owe her eternally. without her friendship i would never of moved into the shared house with her and then Leif would not of been my next door neighbour.
I can truley say that right now in my life I am the happiest I have ever been... EVER.
just to finish off........ I have to be the sarcastic bitch that I am........
yesterday nancy (leifs x wife) went and bought a brand new comp at 2k. Her question to Leif was is it better than Sarah's?
the answer would have to be yes it is or rather it wsill be lol. after setting it up and then leif even having a look at it they couldnt get it to work so my reply is right now i still got the better comp.
thing is she has to pay for hers while this laptop means more to me than what it can do and how much it cost. its the sentimental value behind it. so this time her petiness and jealousy dose not bother me in the slightest.
hoping every one is well and having a great weekend.
When I think about everything that leif has done for me and continues to do for me I know im very lucky. im still not used to it however and hope ill never get used to it and take him for granted. if i do and for whatever reason we break up I know I will be loosing the best thing that ever happened to me.
its usually me whos buying everything, usually me whos doing the spoiling (I love doing it though) usually me paying the bills. for 10 months I was lucky to have Leif partly support me when I had so little money and no job. now I have had my job for 6 weeks it has made life so much better for both of us.
its not the cost of the gifts that means alot to me its that he actually applied for it in the first place knowing ive wanted one for so many years and even tho he had been knocked back he tried for it again.
the week before our birthdays we went out to dinner. I paid (we paid?) but unlike the days at the end of my marriage where I was resenting this I was happy to do so. for the very first time I went to dinner with someone I loved and I didnt need to scrutinize the menu for the cost. instead I looked at what I wanted to eat and ordered it. When I got the bill (over $100) I gladly handed over my money and we left.
im the luckiest woman in the world with a wonderful boyfriend and 4 terrific kids and a good job. what more could I want?
2 weeks or so ago leif told me he had the best surprise for me for my birthday. it was a lion encounter at the zoo as they were on special for 50 bux. when he told me i was so bouncy and excited for a few days. i couldnt believe one of my life long dreams of playing with a lion was about to come true. Last week we found out that there was going to be a fence between me and the lion and I would be feeding it with tongs. I told leif not to get the voucher after all as it wasnt what my dream was.
then leif said he had his work cut out for him to make my actual present just as good.
for the past couple of days leif has driven me mad with me trying to figure out what my gift was.
he told me last night that i would hate him when i got my gift because i was on the wrong path entirely for what i thought it was. he did give me a clue in saying he had to put it all together before he gave it to me.
I definetly didnt not expect what i got. well i kind of did and i didnt lol.
I got a book i had asked leif for but it was more than that.
I spoke to leif this morning and told him that for the rest of my life i want to celebrate my birthday on the 26th. this way I can enjoy my day more and it wont always be overshaddowed with the day my father was cremated. I know he didnt choose to die when he did nor when he was cremated but i feel he deserves the respect of his death and cremation.
the 26th also holds lots of memories for me. my dads father was born on the 26th and my dad always got our birthdays confused and always called me on the 26th to wish me a happy birthday. its also the birthday of the first boy in school i had a crush on lol oh and dont forget the prime minsiter ewwwwwwwww im back to reality again lol.
when i came home from work i picked up an empty envelope on the bed and said this is my surprise isnt it he said yes at first but then said no but the box on the bed is filled with my love.
I looked at the box opened it and inside was a whole pad of love heart post it notes seperated to make a box filled with love. also it had my book in it.
also there was a music disc leif had created with love songs from him to me.
I thought that was it and leif said theres more in the box so i pulled out every heart and i found a voucher for a hr massage :D:D
then he told me of a final surprise he had organised for me. he has applied for a laptop through radio rentals under the rent try buy scheme as he knows ive wanted one for a long time now. it will help with me writing about my past and getting it all out. weather or not its published dosent matter right now i just want to get it out.
at this stage i burst into tears and we lay on the bed and listened to the cd for an hr.
I told leif that while I wasnt bouncy and excited like I was with the lion what he has given me beats the lion experiance by miles. he asked why and I said while lots of people can pay for the lion experiance no one can buy the love in the box and the support he has given me in the last 12 months.
when the cd finished leif had to go and pick up jared and i still havnt been able to thank him. so babe i thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you are and all that you do. and all that you have done. your definetly one in a million and you and the kids are my world.
Love Again
I didn't think it could happen again, just too old and set in my ways.
I was convinced I would always be lonely all of the rest of my days.
Maybe I gave up on romance in my longing to give up the pain,
I just didn't believe I would ever love again.
I was like one who had shut myself in, closed the windows, locked all the doors.
Afraid of the dark and the beat of my heart, yet knowing there had to be more.
Though it sounds like a great contradiction, it's the easiest thing to explain,
you see, I was afraid I might never love again.
What does it take for a blind man to see that there's more there than just meets the eye?
What are the ways that the magic comes in that can turn a song into a sigh?
Sometimes I think that I'm dreaming or maybe I'm going insane,
or maybe it's just that I'm falling in love again.
Here I am standing beside you, oh, life's such a wonderful game.
Look at me now, I’m falling in love, look at me now, I’m falling in love,
look at me now, I’ve fallin in love again.
theres been just one thing missing from today and thats dads phone call. I miss him so much more than I ever imagined possible.
the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people
live.
considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the
father askedhis son,
"How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and
they have creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our
garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the
front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece
of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around
our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
showing me how poor we are."
Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks
for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
refresh their perspective and appreciation.
after reading this and agreing with it I thought about the people I have had in my life. some for a day others for longer. I came to the realisation that I apreciate every minute I have spent with someone. I have learnt some amazing things about myself and other people.
I have changed so much in the past 5 years of my life. Some people think for the worse but I beg to differ.
I was reading another blog and she was saying how she never thought she would be spending her first wedding aniversary the way she was. (her hubby left her for someone else) now im on my anti dression meds and lucky to have the man I have as a partner I can sainly say I dont regret meeting Shaun nor getting married to him.
Its a shame things ended the way they did with us. I think had we been able to remain friends we would still be talking today.
I will always be a manic depressive and there will be times when ill need the meds and times I wont. im not going to be ashamed to admit I have depression though. I know in future all I have to do is admit i need help and it will be there instead of lashing out and hurting the ones I love and pushing them away.
I have been so much happier since I broke free of the puppet stings my family had over me, It feels so much better now that i am working again. right now i only have 15 hrs a week but to wake up and put my uniform on every day means so much to me.
my next goal will be to get a car and finally get my p's if the halfwits on last chance learners can get thiers geeze ill be a piece of cake lol.
